strange musings of a distracted spunk

Seeing as it’s the last day of the year and all now, I suppose I should write the customary year in review. Because it really, truly has been one hell of a year. In some respects, I’m glad to see it go, but in others, I’m not. I would also like to apologize to my readers - my writing is nowhere near as stellar as it usually is, but I’ve not exactly been a mindset to work on making this blog a work of craft. Right now, I’m more of the trying to live life mindset than I am of the reflect and make a story of life mindset. I promise, I will return. I just don’t know when. Please bear with me until then.

And now - a recap!

January: I rang 2007 in with some of my best friends, from college and from high school alike. There was so much unknown, so much promise at the beginning of the year, and we were all there single - only one of us at that point was in a relationship, but there were no couples at the party, something for which I was incredibly grateful at that moment. As we stood by the window in my apartment on 1st and 19th, we heard the crowd chanting in Times Square and we cheered and hugged as we ushered in 2007. At that point, none of us knew how much would change for us in that year - all but one of us moved, and they were all significant changes in our lives.

The rest of the month was taken over by school and a failed beginning with someone who has now become a good friend and a great laughing partner. I had no way of knowing how many twists and turns my life would take in that one year alone.

February: D dropped the bombshell that I never thought I’d recover from. Pea in a Pod revealed herself to be much stronger and much more like me than I had ever realized. Our friendship was cemented by her response to the D bombshell, and our weekly dinners became a saving grace for me. Not to mention the support I received from all of my other friends when my world fell out from beneath me and I couldn’t understand why I still existed. I watched my legs move me through the days, but never quite followed how I got there.

March: More drama with D, who somehow infiltrated every aspect of my life. A spontaneous trip to Chicago with Jack of All Trades and my thesis life partner led to the beginning of my renewal. GDB followed soon thereafter and my world gets shaken up again, but this time for a connection so intense, we spend 20 hours together the first time we meet. The beginning of looking for a new apartment, and incredible apartment drama with the most passive-aggressive individual I had ever met. Luckily, I backed out before I made a commitment to living with her in Williamsburg.

April: My life is work, therapy, classes, the gym, and sometimes GDB. Therapy was part of what made me realize it was okay to not be a robot all the time. I was tired of feeling like my outside betrayed my inside, but I never quite realized that people found me cold and insensitive sometimes, because as cheery as I could be, my low expectations of life were obvious. A search for a new apartment yielded a new roommate and a lovely brownstone in Boro Park, one that I couldn’t wait to move into.

May: Apartment renovations, finals, moving, tense times with GDB, tense times with my parents moving from their home of nine years to a new one in an adult community, the beginning of wedding season ‘07, the singularly most explosive date I have ever had in my entire life - passion, anger, silliness, and intensity above all. With GDB, of course. Also - the first time D and I see each other in person and the revelation that yes. I can move on.

June: My 23rd birthday, GDB’s decision to move back to Chicago, our back and forth decisions on what to do in terms of us, because we were growing into an us, loving and living in Brooklyn once again, my roommate’s strange cat who I often fed and once had to find after the landlord’s cleaning lady let him out of the house during a rainstorm, my impulsive decision to move and quit school for a year. Thailand’s departure, nights with males who are incredibly influential and involved in my life but remain to be revealed for their true or ultimate nature. Wedding season takes over.

July: Wedding season in full force, a ridiculous PR writing class on Saturday mornings from 9-3 (killed my social life on Fridays), my very first wedding as a bridesmaid for my rwin, GDB’s departure (we said goodbye on four separate occasions - none stuck), GDB’s realization that he didn’t want to end things with me just yet, a breakdown in the bathroom at the Savage Men show in Atlantic City for my cousin’s bachelorette party because I only just realized how much I cared and wanted to be with GDB. Also - multiple job interviews for positions around the country, an offer from the literacy advocacy group that I accepted, breaking the news to my family that I was moving to California in less than a month, breaking the news to my incredible employer who gave me a second chance, after my depression made me unreliable and difficult to work with. Moving out of my apartment, in a rather memorable last hurrah with Pea in a Pod and a former coworker, a not so pleasant battle with the roommate because he had to move as well. We no longer speak.

August: A trip to Canada with friends for a Harry Potter convention (yes, I’m a geek, I admit it, but I didn’t dress up!), another wedding in which I wore blue this time for my cousin, and finally, my departure. My fears of leaving my family, my school, my friends behind manifested themselves in a ridiculous way - meanwhile, I was thrown several goodbye parties, GDB was behind me all the way, and Techny Besty and I renewed our friendship and made it impossibly stronger.

The move. A flight from Newark to Dallas, and from Dallas to Oakland before my first trip around San Francisco and being brought to the strange lady’s house. A week of searching, before a week in Utah where I met one of my closest friends in California today, and finally, the beginning of a new job. Full of hope, full of possibility, full of adventure. I had no way of knowing what was in store. Also - GDB becoming a calming and steadying force in my life. Finally being in the same time zone as Avocado again, but now being three hours behind everyone else. My watch remained on East Coast time, as it does today, so I would know what time it was at home.

September: Moving in with the family who took me in for a week to save me from the Strange Lady, finally finding an apartment of my own and furnishing it in one day through Ikea and free furniture on Craigslist. A second trip to Chicago, this time to see my friends from Israel, as well as GDB. The beginning of this blog.

October: The beginning of my realization that AmeriCorps isn’t quite right for me. Contact reestablished with D. Avocado comes to visit. My almost-mono fluke virus that bewildered me and my new doctor for a week. My growing frustration with the lack of support from the AmeriCorps community, and the first time I really miss home. The realization that I am falling in love with GDB.

November: My first attempt to quit my job. The highest highs of the year, with my friends, GDB, and the blog community now there for me. My return home, for the first time since I moved. The realization that GDB is falling in love with me, as well. Feeling on top of the world, in all aspects. Botched traveling and a layover in Chicago is changed to a layover in Denver, before becoming a direct flight back to San Francisco. Feeling like anything can happen, and I’m okay with that.

December: A week in L.A. where I was reminded of my deafness repeatedly, before I got to see my family that lives out there. GDB’s birthday, and subsequent alien attack. The first ending of our relationship. A last minute decision to fly home. Lost toiletries on my flight coming back from L.A. The realization that some people who I had never expected to be my support system had indeed become just that - questions about where it could go with them in the future. The renewal of some sort of relationship with GDB. A job offer. A job ending. Many meals out. A canceled flight and more travel chaos. Tons of family videos, traveling, last minute excursions, and not nearly enough sleep. Questions, unending certainty, and almost depression because my future has become so unclear now. There are no answers anymore. Just questions.

In a way, I’ve come full circle. But last year, when the world seemed so full of promise, when it was so bright and shiny and exciting, I feel incredibly removed from that. Now, I’m left wondering why exactly am I going back to Berkeley? There’s nothing left for me here, I’m certain on that, because I’ve never felt so dislocated in my life, but I don’t know how I will feel when I return back to California. I have no idea what’s in store for my future, and right now, I feel slightly cheated. Before, there were hints of sparkling memories in store, of a future with GDB, of impossibility becoming possible. Now, while I know the world lays at my feet, I wonder - are there too many possibilities? Are we just too accustomed to expecting everything that it makes it impossible for us to expect nothing?

I experienced my greatest relationship to date in 2007 - it may have been long distance for the last five months, but it was the most functional, the most real, and it showed me the capacity I have for loving someone else. It saddens me to know that I may not be able to do that anymore. This was the first year where I was ready to take on a stable relationship - though I did have several of my one-night encounters, as was par for the course all throughout college. I’m still great friends with most of them, but unless they were to become more than a several-night hookup, I don’t want to purse that sort of thing anymore. I realized I am so much stronger than I thought I was - I could pick up and move to a destination where I knew absolutely no one, make my way through hell and back, and still find myself walking into work to follow through on my commitment. Not to mention leaving my family behind and saying goodbye to my support network, most of whom reside somewhere on the east coast.

I wish I could say that I’m looking forward to 2008. But right now? I’m not even sure if I’m looking forward to waking up tomorrow. It’s just a hard end to what has been one hell of a year. If the last few days are any indication, I won’t wake up until at least noon. I’ll decide which one of the seven parties I’ve been invited to I want to attend (it seems impossible to me that anyone should desire my company with the current state I am in), and eventually head over.

I’ll watch the ball drop with others, drink my customary glass of champagne, send a few texts to a bunch of friends and GDB, and hope I fall asleep to a dreamless night, in anticipation of a more stable 2008. I think I’m ready for some stability in my life.

Edit: I spoke too soon. It’s 6:00 AM on New Year’s Eve, and I have not yet gone to sleep. Instead, the memories of a life I no longer have keep rushing through my head, and while I know I need to get rid of them to move onto a new year, my heart feels emptier. How can one’s heart say yes, while one’s head says no? There are so many words left unsaid, so many memories not yet experienced, and I feel broken in my uncertainty. My body doesn’t flutter right now, I’m lucky if I’ll resemble anything less than a zombie today. It seems I was in love all along - I just never knew it. Because I’ve never experienced anything this devastating.

At any rate, the new year begins in approximately 14 hours. Here’s hoping it rings in with some stability for a change.

-I wish there were a way for me to read my book and achieve transportation efforts at the same time. I’m that person who will give up a night out with friends for a good book. Once, I turned down a day at the beach because Much Ado About Nothing with Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson was on TV. I am that nerdy. And audiobooks don’t do it for me, because I’d miss half the words without any lips to read and the intonations would destroy the whole imagination part for me. I am beginning to think I need to go back to working for the literary agency when I move back because I seem to need to read a book every day before I feel like I’ve done anything worthwhile.

-Who knew crotch midgets were such a big thing? (Thanks to all the great comments and feedback on the guest post!)

-Two very interesting gym observations:

1. Two boys flirting with a girl on one of the leg machines - the one where you lay on your stomach and curl your legs back up behind you simultaneously - before both leaving the room. One came back and proceeded to ask her for her number. I know this because I can lip read across the room. I’ve never seen nor heard of that before! Also, no one EVER gets asked out at the gym outside of television.

2. Most people work out separately or in pairs. Sometimes, you get a pack of gym rats. Usually it’s about three or four guys and one girl. How does this particular set up develop? And what do they talk about?

-Why is my iTunes playing the “When I say hey, you say ho?” song? I feel like I’m at a bar mitzvah and am in need of some glowsticks and a macarena. Or maraca - which is what I originally meant to say.

- A new friend of mine told me he decided he was going to abandon daylight savings time this year. He would just wake up when he normally woke up. I told him this would make him Arizona. They’re above daylight savings time. Also, why do people schedule meetings and events on the day that the clock changes? I never know if I’m supposed to show up at the old time or the new time.

- I went to visit the Family that I stayed with for a week in transition between the Strange Lady’s house and my apartment, and I always think I really miss the kids and living with them. Then I get there. And they all cry about something or other inevitably. And dinner starts an hour later (and sometimes colder) than I’d prefer. And I remember again why I don’t want kids anytime soon.

-The Family patriarch asked me how committed I was to Gymnast-Drummer Boy. They don’t necessarily approve because I’m technically Jewish and GDB is technically not. I asked them why. “Well…we know a guy at our synagogue who we like and think you might like. He’s a graduate student and we talk to him all the time. We don’t know his name, but I was thinking maybe we could get you two together?” Uh…sure. Find out his name, then get back to me, how’s that?

It’s kind of funny, because my dad’s side is ridiculously pro-Semitic. I bring over a guy friend who happens to be Jewish, and my grandmother starts grinning from ear to ear.

“Why are you smiling, Safvta?”

“You bring home a Jewish boy!”

“How do you know he’s Jewish?”

“I always know. And he has a big nose.” (Or some variation).

At least they don’t bother trying set me up with Jewish boys - they know I follow my own path and never do anything they deem appropriate. On a side note, when I bring home guy friends who aren’t Jewish, my grandmother feeds them her best Jew food and then they fall in love with her and the cooking, and she says “Well, this is what you get when you’re Jewish, yah?” My family could easily be an award winning half hour sitcom, just because you never know what you’re going to get next.

-I am really sad that I just finished my leftover fettucine with spinach, mushrooms, chicken in a something-sauce because it’s one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time, and there’s not more.

I should explain what life’s been like for the last month. I moved to Berkeley for AC-Vista to work at WCR on August 13th. Said goodbye to most of my friends and all of my family in the days leading up to that. When asked where I was staying, I answered one of the members of WCR offered me a place to stay for three months, so I had a place that would be relatively close enough to the office, but would give me time to get my bearings.

Imagine my surprise (and my boss’s) when we discovered that there had been no drawers cleared out or closet space made in preparation for my arrival and supposed tenancy for the next three months. The next day, Strange Lady asked me if I had started looking for apartments. It doesn’t take much for me to get the hint - the lack of living space made it pretty clear. Plus, there was no internet, and I more or less can’t survive without internet. One of the perks of being deaf and in the technology age I suppose.

Over the next three weeks, I ate out every day, blew money I didn’t have because I was discouraged from bringing food back, and encouraged to eat her food (none of which I really liked). I also received comments on how two boxes of leftovers and a water bottle were taking up too much space in her refrigerator, but I should feel free to bring things home to her house. Contradictory much? To save money, I’d often only eat twice a day, unless I got lucky and was treated to lunch or dinner by one of my board members, in which case, I’d order something big enough to bring home so I could have food to eat the next day or so.

I can’t keep track of how many apartments I saw, and how many times I came close and got nothing. In the meantime, I more or less lived at Starbucks. I had to buy an internet pass there (it was the closest thing to Strange Lady’s house, which was all the way up in the hills), and by close I mean a 20-25 minute walk. I got to know the regulars at Starbucks - I wonder if Starbucks is the new Cheers…There could be a potential sitcom in the making…Anyhow, my methods of communication were restricted to when I was out of the house. I couldn’t tell most people how bad it really was because they’d yell at me for moving out to a place or tell me to do something drastic, but I couldn’t rely on my friends to help me out as much because I couldn’t talk to them when I came home. Instead, my nights revolved around watching DVDs, reading, and texting furiously with Gymnast-Drummer, Techny Besty, Jack of All Trades, and Avocado. These are the people who typically help me keep my sanity, though Gymnast-Drummer is relatively new. He’s a whole story unto itself.

Long story short. I got an apartment finally, and was told I could move in immediately. Then, when I was set to move, it all fell through because the manager thought I didn’t make enough money. Thanks AC-Vista. Poverty is what it’s all about, right?

So I was stuck back at the Strange Lady’s. And miserable. She made a comment about how it was unfortunate my parents weren’t more involved in the Jewish community, because then I could go to a temple and someone could take me in. (Gee, cause Hitler only killed 6 million of us - clearly we all know each other.) Incidentally, she also made a comment about had she known she would be taking another girl in, she would have never said I could stay. Thanks. How heartwarming. Can you feel the love?

Strange Lady offers to take me to see a room in a house the day after Labor Day. I have now been looking for apartments for three straight weeks and either being second choice or not getting it at all. And I have one failed attempt to add to my list. I haven’t stopped moving, I’ve been in Starbucks till closing most nights to avoid Strange Lady, and I’m still not eating well. I’m also now hiking 40 minutes each way up and down the hill to get to my job.

The room belonged to an incredibly sweet family who asked about my living situation and when they heard about my…non-traditional eating habits of late, they demanded I stay for dinner. I went out to talk to Strange Lady who said “Finally. I’ve been out here for 45 minutes. Five more minutes, I was coming in.” I could be wrong, but isn’t this the same person who has been trying to get me out of her house since the moment I more or less arrived? She left and I went back in, trying to keep it together when the family told me I was staying with them as a guest till they figured things out. I’m not afraid to say that I just started crying.

I stayed with them for just about a week. I hadn’t felt that relaxed since before I left New York. It was still temporary though, because it quickly became clear that the restrictions they follow in keeping Kosher would be too much for me. The apartment that fell through came back and I moved in this past Sunday. Miraculously, I was able to furnish it all in one day and everything was done. I’ve been wanting this for the last month now.

But now that I’m finally settled, I’m exhausted. I guess the last month of being on the go non-stop, looking for apartments, hiking up a tremendously steep hill, texting when I couldn’t speak, spending hours at Starbucks and eating junk food more often than I could eat food I actually liked takes a toll. I’m just happy to finally have a room again where I can put my pictures, my cards, my clothes!!! and actually know where everything is for a change. Living out of a suitcase is no fun. But on the other hand, my butt is in phenomenal shape from all that hiking. So I guess one good thing came out of it all.

That, and I never have to live with the Strange Lady ever again.