Hanging.
May 5, 2008
The trouble with being in the middle of a shitstorm in May is usually, no one wants to come close.
When the sun’s shining, flowers are sprouting, and people are walking with smiles and friendly glances, it’s best to stay away from the girl who has the dark cloud of depression hanging over her head.
Once again, the tears won’t come. I might spring a leak here and there, with a droplet that wouldn’t so much as nourish a single leaf, let alone an entire forest of emotion. What I need is a fucking river. I need it to pour out of me and just take me with it, instead of putting on a good face, instead of trying so hard to cling to a semblance of sanity of “I am strong, and I can do this.” I know I’m strong. I know I can do this. But I’m tired of hanging. I’m tired of waiting for the adrenaline to surge and for the energy to come to pull myself back to the brink of normalcy, or as normal as I’ll ever do.
I feel a bit as though I am the lone tree in a desert, ravaged by sand and occasionally leaned upon by a weary traveler looking for their oasis. I am a symbol of all things lasting and living in a place where so much seems dull and insipid. There’s just yellow everywhere, monochromatic in its shades, beautiful when it springs up on you, tiresome when that’s all there is.
So I seek out new colors. I seek out new lands. Where I know that my exhaustion from sightseeing will allow me to crash and burn as I no longer sleep well otherwise. It’s inevitable that I’ll return to the states a weary mess. You can run, but you can’t hide, I believe is the saying. With every little inch of growth, another part gets cut off. I can’t even hug anyone anymore without fearing that I’ll break down. As though the most well-intentioned touch would shatter me into dust.
Where is this river? It can’t have run dry this soon. I feel distant, detached, as though the slowly emptying room I currently occupy is someone else’s and I am just passing through.
I would ask for someone to rescue me, but I don’t think anyone can.
Entry Filed under: Compelling randomness, I can be a girl. Sometimes., Poetic license is dangerous. .
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1.
Angela | May 5, 2008 at 11:01 pm
*sending love*
2.
BondiBetty | May 6, 2008 at 12:02 am
I’m giving you a big mental hug right now - and know you’ll find your river when you need it and are ready for it.
3.
Essentially Me | May 6, 2008 at 12:10 am
Aww hun. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way now. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way …
4.
Hope | May 6, 2008 at 12:12 am
Yip. Yea. A-ha. As if you took words out of my mouth.
Hugs to us both, I guess.
5.
sequined | May 6, 2008 at 6:14 am
Oh I’m sorry you’re hurting; it’s the worst when you can’t get it out like you need to. I hope you’re able to express it or vent or something in a helpful way.
6.
lissa | May 6, 2008 at 8:08 am
beautifully written.
7.
Jess | May 6, 2008 at 8:22 am
It is so frustrating to feel like that, and even worse to know that crying would help and you just can’t do it. I hope things get better soon.
8.
Princess Pointful | May 6, 2008 at 9:01 am
Oh, sweetie, this was heartwrenching. It’s hard to have that numbness following you around when you would just rather explode and get it over with.
This weekend!!!! We’ll do our damndest for super fun happy times, I promise!
9.
Ashley | May 6, 2008 at 9:16 am
We really need to have a long talk, its been forever since we have chatted it feels like. i’m so sorry you are feeling so meh about everything right now. I completely understand the need to release and it just not coming. It’ll happen, when you least expect it (mine usually come when i start laughing hysterically and then find myself crying hysterically and letting it all out at the most inopportune time. I have no idea why.)
Love you and sending you huge hugs.
10.
poodlegoose | May 6, 2008 at 10:41 am
I went through something simliar not too long ago (and kind of still am), and it frustrated the crap outta me. My fiance said something to me the wrong way, and a few tears squeezed out, the cat died, a few more. Then, my fiance didn’t come home for dinner on time last night, and I started bawling. What a weird time. I really hope that things start to look up for you soon
I hate that you’re going through this.
11.
Trigger | May 6, 2008 at 12:03 pm
No fun at all. You know where to find me, if you need rescued in little 10 min increments at a time…eventually, those little rescues will string together, and you’ll be fully rescued. That day WILL come.
12.
Tin Ma'am | May 6, 2008 at 7:10 pm
The only person who can rescue you is you! Trust me… I’m learning that the hard way right now.
No worries, you’ve got the strength, you’ve got the looks, you’ve got the whole package. Give yourself time,a nd you’ll get it all figured out.
13.
Yoda | May 6, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Don’t discount the effect of vacations! Who knows everything will become crystal clear to you in Thailand and you will no longer feel this way?
Chin up and heart open!