One Month Ago
As I walk back to my room, finally relaxed from a long soak in the clawfoot tub after all the latest battery and assault my heart has just taken, Roommate stops me. “Hey DS. I just wanted to let you know I’m moving out at the end of April.”
Heart stops. “What?” I say.
“Yeah, I got accepted into this program in Atlanta. I’m not sure what I’m doing after then, so I’m going to move out.”
“So I guess that means I need to find a new roommate, huh?”
“Yeah.” Roommate turns to go back to his cooking, casual and apathetic as can be.
I freak out. Living in a college town is not exactly the most profitable enterprise during the summer. Especially seeing as we live in a relative construction zone, behind a crowded and noisy bar that plays live music late into the night, I didn’t think I would get anyone. That I would be forced to cough up the rest of the rent for both apartments, when his apartment is more than mine, and I’m so caught up in student loan debt, credit card debt, and my regular bills that I would more or less drown.
Like any normal person, I immediately post an ad up on Craiglist, hoping I’ll at least get a nibble or two. Imagine my surprise when by the end of the week, I had more than fifty responses. I was thrilled. I might be able to find a new roommate after all!
Three weeks ago:
Roommate hunt #1 begins. I begin to think there are no normal people in Berkeley. Roommate stops by, the day after Roommate hunt #1.
“I was thinking,” he says. “I’m not sure if I want to come back to Berkeley after the internship, but I’d like to have the option. Also, I know you’re moving back East in August, and I thought maybe it’d be easier if we do a sublet. Instead of transferring everything into your name or someone else’s name, and worrying about a rent increase because the apartment’s been rent controlled for the last three years, you could just go pay me like you have been, I’d do a sublet, and you can find someone who can move in for the summer, or can stay beyond the terms of the sublet and take your place once you move out.”
I pause. I think. Technically, this idea makes sense. It would work for me.
When are you moving back?”
“If I move back, sometime in mid-August.”
“That should work out fine, because I should be gone by then.”
“Okay, well let me know how that goes.”
During Roommate hunt #2, I’m able to offer people the option of lease or sublet, explaining that I will be moving out in August, and my current roommate may move out for good or may move back once I leave. I meet Awesome Cat girl, we hit it off. Things are great. I offer her the apartment.
Two and a half weeks ago:
“Hey Roommate, I was just wondering if you had a chance to figure out your details, such as when exactly you’re moving out, so I can let Awesome Cat Girl know she can move in and such.”
“Yeah, I’m moving out mid-May.”
“Wait, what? I thought you were moving out at the end of April.”
“Oh, that was only if I was moving out-moving out. If we’re doing the sublet, I’ll leave when my flight leaves.”
“When’s that?”
“May 20th.”
“So you’re now moving out at the end of May is what you’re saying.”
“Yep.”
“Okay.” Fuck. What if Awesome Cat Girl wanted to move end of April? Then I’m screwed. Again. *slight heart attack*
I call her. “Hey, Awesome Cat Girl. Here’s the deal. Roommate wants to stay till mid-May. I know I told you end of April, but I guess he changed his mind. Are you okay with that?”
“Yeah, no problem. I’m not in a rush, I just want to live someplace I like with someone I like.”
“You are fucking awesome.” *huge sigh of relief*
One and a half weeks ago:
“Just so you know, I need a bigger deposit to cover the cat,” Roommate says to me as I’m walking into the kitchen.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, technically, we’re not supposed to have a cat in the apartment. But when I spoke to the manager, she said it was okay. But I don’t know how she’d feel since it’s not my cat. So if you can ask Awesome Cat Girl to give me a bigger deposit, I’ll hold onto that and if the cat doesn’t scratch anything up, I’ll give her her deposit back.”
“Why would you give her her deposit? Shouldn’t that go to the landlord?”
“Nah, I have your deposit also. You would get it back from Awesome Cat Girl when she moves in. That’s how it always goes.”
“Why would you have my deposit?”
“It just makes things easier.”
“Uh….what? Okay. I’ll talk to her.” Fucking mother fucker. How many times is he going to come up with this bullshit? Make a fucking decision and stick to it!
“Hey Awesome Cat Girl. Roommate wants a deposit for the cat, just to cover his butt.”
“Is the cat not allowed?”
“I thought it was. But the lease technically says it’s not. But when Roommate was planning on getting a cat, he said it was okay with the manager. So he just wants a deposit to make sure things are copacetic.”
“Yeah, sure, that’s fine. As long as I can bring my cat!”
This girl is officially the most awesome girl ever.
One week ago:
Jack of All Trades is over. We’re watching a movie. Roommate’s girlfriend cackles, a la Fran Drescher. I cringe. He looks at me. “Wow. You weren’t kidding about how bad it was,” he says.
I notice there have been dirty dishes from Roommate piled in the sink for the last week. His girlfriend has slept over on average 4-6 nights a week now. We are out of toilet paper. We are out of paper towels. The toilet often has pee and floating paper in it. Not mine. I generally make a habit of flushing.
“I can’t wait till he moves out,” I sigh.
Yesterday
Awesome Cat Girl and I talk about upcoming move. We’re super excited. Whoo! Roommate sends us both an e-mail.
“I’ll be moving out on May 22nd, so Awesome Cat Girl, you can move in after then, but you don’t have to start paying rent until June 1st. DS, if you can be out of the apartment by August 8th, you don’t have to pay any August rent.”
What? I thought his flight was May 20th. How…what? And August 8th? But I can’t leave until August 23rd, as I’m planning an event for my job on August 22nd, that evening. What?
I come home and pass out, exhausted from taking an early morning flight from Tucson back to Oakland, and then going straight to work without recuperating.
Tonight
I pass Roommate on the way to the bathroom to get ready for bed, intending to make an early night after this week’s stress and zombie-fication. I have bubbled. I am content and calm, and had joyful conversations not involving boys.
“Hey, Roommate. Where did August 8 come from?”
“I always said August 8.”
“Um….no. You said mid-August. If you even came back.”
“I don’t know when I said that, but okay.”
“Well…I can’t move out by August 8th. I have to work until the 22nd, and I will need a day to gather all my stuff together, as I am going to be working overtime the entire week or two leading up to the event.”
“I guess Awesome Cat Girl will have to move out for two weeks, until you move out.”
“What? That’s not fair to her.”
“Well, can you go somewhere for those last two weeks?”
“Are you kidding me? I know all of seven people in the Bay Area. A few of them are moving in July. No, I can’t go somewhere else. And I’m not moving out two weeks before I move across the country! You know more people around here, can’t you find somewhere to live for two weeks?”
“It’s my name on the lease. If you want me to set this up as the agreement, then these are the terms. If you don’t like it, you can either get the new lease taken care of with a rent increase, because it’s been stabilized due to my having lived here for three years, but I don’t know if the landlord will let you keep the cat, or you can both move into the apartment across the way, or you can just move out.”
I stand there, completely flabbergasted, growing more and more furious as the conversation builds. I’m also growing more hopeless. How many hoops am I going to have to jump through, just to stay in my apartment until I leave?
I realize that I don’t want to live with this jerk, ever again. He’s become increasingly disrespectful, and I’m tired of the games. Of course, my landlord has an Asian accent, which is not easy to understand in person, let alone over the phone and I have no e-mail address at which to contact her to price out these options of negotiating the lease in Awesome Cat Girl’s name and subletting from her.
Do I:
A) Move out two weeks early and live out of a suitcase again, much like I did the first month I moved out here, making my life in California a full-circle (but hopefully without the anti-semitic crazy old bitch I first lived with?)
B) Try to re-negotiate a lease with a woman I can’t understand and hope that she lets us keep the cat and lets Awesome Cat Girl become the primary leaseholder, and me a sublet until I leave in August, and kick this fucking asshole roommate out?
C) Suck it up and search for another sublet option, who moves out when he moves back out, and deal with him for the last two weeks that I’m in California?
Fucking A.
Update, 11:15 A.M.: It’s all over. I’m leaving California. Guess that takes care of that.
oh my godddd! that roommate is ridiculous!! I have no idea what you should do…talk to the Cat Girl again maybe? or maybe you can share the aug rent if you can put a mattress on the floor…or something? ugh, your roommate’s a ‘dink’, as my friend would say…haha
good luck!!!
Wow. How inconsiderate is he– seriously.
I agree with CC, though– I would just see if you could crash on the couch/ in Awesome Cat Girl’s room for the two weeks. Or, you know, come stay on my couch. I’m not that far.
Why does he think the end of the month rule applies to everyone but him???
i have no advice, but your roommate is an asshole.
ohmygod what a fucking ASSHAT. I wanted to jump through the screen and rip him a new one. He is the most indecisive person ever with regards to this apartment. Doesn’t he realize how much he’s dicking you over? How inconsiderate. Ugh. I’d see if you could bum a sleep on the floor of awesome cat girls room for the last two weeks.
Ohhh you know what you should do? when you leave, awesome cat girl should too (if shes up to it) and then screw him over with not having roommates. not that that couldn’t backfire but I’m a bitch and like to thnk it would.
oh and PS our posts have almost the same title. hah
If you lived near me, you could stay with me. And your roommate sounds like a primo douche. I would just get your deposit back from HIM (I still am not quite understanding that) and get the frick out. Move somewhere short term with the cat girl and screw him.
OMG go option B. Take it in your own hands and deal with it yourself. And it’s a cat, she’ll never even know it’s there.
Seeing if you can stay with the new roomie for those two weeks would be an ideal solution; even asking if you could sleep on your own living room couch would maybe work. Also, when you’re done and out, you should let your current roommate know how his behavior is immature and ineffective.
Problem is, we live in a one bedroom converted. Which means I live in the bedroom and my roommate lives in the living room. Two people can live here comfortably. Three is pushing it. So…it’s not really an option. But thanks for trying!
I agree with the others–cats are the easiest pets in the WORLD to hide! I had one in my first apartment in NYC where she technically was not allowed, and nobody ever noticed and/or cared.
As to the roomie–he is a serious douche-nozzle, but aside from murdering him and getting Awesome Cat Girl to help you hide the body, I like La’s suggestion of finding an entirely new apartment with Cat Girl and being done with him.
You know what I say you do? Go along with his charade. And then, when he wants to move back August 8, don’t do a damn thing. Tell him you were up front with him all along about August 23. And Awesome Cat Girl isn’t going anywhere. And if he has a problem, he can take it up with the landlord. Who, by the way, won’t be able to do a damn thing about it before you leave. Tell him to fuck off in the process. What an asshole.
I vote for pushing roommate off a cliff.
Wait.
That’s not a good option, is it?
i’m with deutlich. what a douchebag!!!
hmmm i’d say B because he needs to be fucking kicked out of the apartment.
That’s awful. Your roommate is ridiculous. I guess option B would be the best, that way once you leave, Awesome Cat Girl wont have to deal with awful roommate. Plus, you wont have to worry about those last two weeks.
Ugh.
UGH. that SUCKS. i’d try to work something out with awesome cat girl since you guys hit it off so well. maybe try finding an apartment together?
Kill Roomate and a la “Weekend at Bernie’s” pretend he is still alive to keep lease.
If that doesn’t work, put eye drops in his coffee, just to mess him up.
[...] On one hand, this solves the whole roommate asshat problem. [...]
Or Option D. Kill this cockbag roommate.
Seriously.
I have an idea! You should come visit me in the end of May! Oh, you’re already doing that
man. i’m glad you left all that roommate drama behind you. i’m seriously debating whether to get a roommate for my new two bedroom or whether to just live super frugally. the people from craigslist really are too strange.