A movement in the L’s.

L is not the feeling of flutterbies in your stomach. It’s not that warm and fuzzy feeling that you get from being near a person. It’s also not thinking you can’t live without that person. You can. You just don’t want to.

GDB dropped the L word tonight. He didn’t say “I L Y,” for which I’m grateful. Just like he knows to call me his girl, rather than his girlfriend, he understands the fabric of the delicate lexicon that he must negotiate to make me comfortable. Most people have difficulty understanding that I am more comfortable existing on a plane without labels. While there is certainly a sense of security with the label of girlfriend and boyfriend, with that comes so many expectations. With the explicit definition of commitment hanging over your head, so much more responsibility becomes attached.

I could talk about instances where I chose him over other opportunities. I could talk about times where I got scared and began to run away, before realizing there wasn’t anything to run from. The first three months were shaky as we tried to move beyond our individual pasts and towards our future. I don’t claim to know what lies in store for us – there is a considerable amount of space between us physically and money is certainly a factor in making things slightly more difficult. Yet we seem to still be making it work, despite all odds. I was once told we were predictable in our unpredictability – I think we’re beginning to find our stride.

Today was a particularly tough day, because I made a decision about my job. While I know it was the right one, it still upset me because I felt disappointed about how it turned out, and because my supervisor would be incredibly disappointed. My supervisor is quite wonderful as a person – but there’s not much he can do in the face of the organization to really make the changes necessary. Seeing him upset made me upset. Somehow, GDB knew to get in touch with me tonight, which led to us talking for five hours. At one point, he commented on knowing how hard these last few weeks have been for me, especially because I haven’t been able to talk to my parents about what’s going on. He said, “But I’m here for you. Talk to me. I’m listening.” And I did. And he listened.

Not only did he listen, but he sought out ways to cheer me up, surprising me with a rather nifty Halloween costume that will never make it out-of-doors if I have anything to say about it, because he’ll attract FAR too much female attention. I laughed, and told him I loved how much he cared about me. He said “Well yeah, I even put on _______ for you. That’s love.” Me being me, I told him he was playing with fire. I’m not good at emotive responses. When he told me a few weeks ago that he’d be around to cheer me up, now and forever, I told him that actually, he wouldn’t because he’s a guy AND he’s a year and a half older than me, and guys die first, so he really shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep.

Yep. That’s right. The sensitivity of a goat, I’ve got.

But when he said the L word tonight, it wasn’t the flutterbies in my stomach keeping me company like I experienced with D. It wasn’t the warm and fuzzy feeling spreading through my fingertips. It was a steady comfort of knowing that he’s been willing to put up with me and my commitment-reluctant behavior. He studied the very dictionary of the terms that would keep me from running and instead would make me teary eyed, or at the very least, smile. While I’ve always known he’s someone I could fall very deeply for, tonight was the first time I realized I’m already falling. When I caught myself thinking “I L Y” when he made a face that was unbearably cute to a bad joke I made. When I found myself contemplating buying a stuffed armadillo toy because it was our private joke and grinning at no one in particular, just because of what it meant to me.

L isn’t any of those things that anyone describes in fairy tales and novels. It’s the rippling pool of care and affection that surprises you with how much deeper it seems to be with every passing day. And one day, you might just find yourself completely submerged below the surface. That’s the day when you learn to float or die trying. I hope I leap.